I always knew I wanted to be a mother.
But in my late thirties, I didn’t have a partner.
The only way I was going to bear my own child was through the lonely possibility of a sperm donor.
It seemed selfish.
It was going to cost a lot of money. I was going to need a lot of help from family and friends. It would take all my focus for years and years.
Shouldn’t I do something that would help the world more?
With all the oppression, with all the injustice, with climate change and ICE — with all the things in the world that need committed people doing everything they can to make things better?
On top of that, I didn’t want to be a single parent. I desperately wanted a partner.
So I didn’t do it.
Years went by.
Finally, in my early forties, the pain of ignoring that longing was too great. I cried oceans of tears, but I went for it.
I purchased sperm from a sperm bank.
Telling people what I was doing felt like walking into a fire.
But rather than burn up with embarrassment, something else happened. I felt a peace I had never felt before. I had more energy than I had in decades.
People I had known for years looked at me in a new way, with more respect. I felt more playful and free and funny and sexy.
And then, just as I committed to having a baby on my own, a miracle happened.
I met a wonderful man. We decided to get married and have a baby together. I gave birth to our son, Solomon, when I was forty three years old.
My husband told me today that he’s never been happier.
My parents beam with pride at their new grandchild.
My siblings, my nephews, my friends – everyone has a relationship with this new person. He’s brought so much joy into the world.
This is what my selfishness has led to.
When we have a longing, it’s not really our business whether it makes sense. My longing wasn’t practical and didn’t even seem possible.
But that wasn’t my business. It was just my business whether I said yes or no to it. It took me years to fully honor my desire, and it wasn’t easy.
You following your longings really matters.
I’d love to hear from you, if you want to share – is there something you’ve been longing for, too?
With love,
Amanda
P.S. If you’d like to be part of a small, intimate cohort of women turning towards their hearts’ longings in the realm of work and vocation, I’d love to tell you about Coming Into Fullness: A women’s workshop for turning towards what’s next. It starts soon. Email me if you want more information.
